ineffable
by thefudge is grumpy
Summary: Good Omens AU. That one time angel!Bonnie reluctantly befriended demon!Kai and they reluctantly fell in love and then reluctantly stopped the end of times. You know, as you do.
1. Chapter 1

_lol what can I say except I've been watching Good Omens and this AU just came to me, fully-formed? i know i need to update a bazillion other stories, and yet!_

_hope you enjoy!_

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**1: Garden**

She could still feel the ghostly touch of the flaming sword between her fingers. Bonnie smiled. After so many eons of yielding it, she thought she'd have a hard time letting it go.

But she actually felt lighter now. She knew the humans would make far better use of it.

She just hoped the All-Seeing had not actually _seen_ this. She might get in trouble for it later.

She stared at the desert's horizon and followed Adam and Eve with her eyes. They looked so small and fallible, two tiny specks against a bleak world. Wonderful, really.

"We're not supposed to ogle, you know."

She hadn't heard the slithering behind her. Though, by now, she should have gotten used to it.

The snake materialized before her eyes and turned into a scrawny demon.

"Bad manners and all that," he added with a hiss and a coltish grin that meant she was never to take him seriously which she didn't. One did not consort with demons, particularly the tempting kind. God had given him a job. He had done it. Why was he still here?

"You're one to talk. And I'm _not_ ogling," she replied sternly, moving a step away and folding her wings around her like a fortress.

"Kind of an overreaction, if you ask me," he continued, not noticing her discomfort, pointing with his dark clawed wing at the receding figures of Adam and Eve. "I mean what's so bad about knowing the difference between good and evil?"

"It's obviously not a good thing if God made you tempt them," she remarked.

"Did you read that off a greeting card?"

Bonnie frowned. She didn't like frowning. The other angels had told her she was not as serene as she ought to be. There was always one thing or another bothering her, no matter how much she tried to pacify her thoughts.

"_No_. I just think – well, it doesn't matter what I think, but the humans obviously rushed into it. Knowledge takes time."

The demon snorted nastily. "Oh, so you think God would've shared all his secrets _in time_?"

"In time," she nodded.

The demon whistled mockingly, as if she was the biggest sucker alive.

Bonnie glared. She wanted to say something cutting in return but she was not allowed. She was supposed to be above all that.

"Why are you still here, anyway…" she trailed off, realizing she did not know his name. In the Garden he'd been dubbed Crawley, since he always crawled about. It was sort of self-explanatory. She wondered if it might be rude to call him that now. Just when she'd decided to insult him anyway, he took a step closer and unfurled his wings, almost touching hers,

"Malachai. It means messenger." He snorted. "Of doom."

"I didn't ask." But now that he'd given it to her she couldn't ignore it.

"Malachai." The name felt stately on her lips.

He shrugged. "Kai, for short. That's what my buddies down there call me."

Bonnie did not like to contemplate the "down there". She nodded coolly. "I'll stick with Malachai."

"It's a mouthful."

She wondered if he was making fun of her. Well, even so, she did not care.

"I am known as Bonnie."

Malachai grinned. "Yeah, I know. It means "good" in Latin, doesn't it?"

"Well…not exactly, but yes."

Latin had not even been invented yet. Did he also have the gift of foresight? No, he must have lost it when he fell. Perhaps he was sharper than the rest.

"So Bonnie, if you're so good tell me, why didn't God put the tree up on a mountain or, I don't know, on the moon? Make it harder for the humans to get to it?"

Bonnie rolled her eyes. Perhaps he was stupid, after all.

"That's just it. True freedom is having all the choices made available to you. If the tree was somewhere remote it would not be a choice anymore. In any case, we are not supposed to question God's plan. It's – it's beyond our comprehension. It's ineffable."

"Doesn't sound like it's beyond _your_ comprehension. In fact, you sound like you have all the answers," he drawled. There was a mean little spark in his eye. Temptation.

Bonnie cleared her throat. "I don't know what you're implying."

But she did. Pride was the cause of the first fall, every angel knew. And every angel knew to be careful.

Malachai cocked his head. "Wait, didn't you use to have a flaming sword?"

Bonnie opened her mouth. He'd caught her off-guard which is what he wanted. She couldn't think of an excuse. "I, um…"

"Yeah, you did. It was flaming like anything. It made my eyes burn, literally. What happened to it?"

"Well, I…" She couldn't lie, she had no real skill for it.

"Did you lose it or something?"

Bonnie scowled. She couldn't stay quiet either.

"I – I gave it away."

Malachai blinked. "You what?"

"I gave it away!"

She stared guiltily at the small dark figures against the blazing horizon. "It gets really cold at night! And there are all sorts of wild creatures out there. Not to mention she's already expecting…I couldn't just let them go like that..." she rambled on, scratching the side of her arm.

Malachai was genuinely surprised and a little impressed. He'd thought to lump her together with the boring, pristine bunch, but perhaps he'd been wrong.

He grinned. "Well, well, well. Naughty angel."

Bonnie cringed. "Shut up."

"Ever been punished?" he asked, raising one eyebrow.

Bonnie blushed. "No."

"First time's always a little rough, but you get the hang of it."

"I'll be fine, thank you very much."

"How are you so sure?"

"I'm an angel. I can't - I can't just _do_ bad things. Not intentionally."

The demon winked. "I was an angel too, and I found my way around it."

"That was _different_."

"It'd be funny, if you did the bad thing and I did the good thing, for once."

Bonnie chewed on her immaculate lip. It might be part of God's ineffable plan. Or he was just trying to get inside her head. She shook it off.

"You've got a terrible sense of humor."

"I'll get better in time. Isn't that what you said? That all things take time?"

Bonnie stifled a smile. "You might be hopeless."

Malachai placed a hand over his chest. "That's a low blow. Especially since I only fell, like, yesterday."

"It's been a little longer than that."

Malachai shrugged. "Feels pretty much the same."

Bonnie regarded him. "Why did you -?"

The demon waited for her to continue, but she looked away, embarrassed.

The sky was storming. Bonnie felt the walls shaking beneath her feet. Soon acid rain started pouring down angrily. The poor humans were without protection and this made her sad.

Bonnie lifted one wing. It was more angelic instinct than anything.

Kai shuffled closer and found shelter under her wing.

He gave her a stupid, simpering smile, and she wondered if he'd looked this obnoxious when he'd been a proper angel.

Why did she have to lift her wing?

She nudged him in the shoulder. "Keep your distance. Once the rain's over you're going back where you came from."

"Aye, aye, ma'am."

"Don't call me that."

"All right, Miss Ineffable."

The angel ground her teeth. Patience was a virtue. "Why don't you stop addressing me altogether?"

"You're right. Let's just enjoy this romantic moment in the rain."

Bonnie could hear the slithering snake in his voice. She turned her body away, though she kept him under her wing.

Something told her she wasn't going to get rid of him easily.


	2. Chapter 2

**2: Flood**

Bonnie ran her hand down the unicorn's silky pelt. It was perhaps a little premature to plan ahead, but she thought that she'd like to own a petting zoo in the distant future.

She watched as a pair of regal elephants were gently heaved onto the Ark. The animals were exceptionally quiet as they shuffled their weary feet. As if they knew the end was coming.

"Yikes. All those creatures below deck. Makes me feel sorry for the guy who has to clean up."

Bonnie did not turn around. Maybe he would go away if she stood very still.

Malachai reached out to pet her unicorn. He ran his fingers along the length of the horn with an appreciative hum.

Bonnie glanced at him surreptitiously. She did not want to betray her surprise. He hadn't popped in to say hello in quite a few years. He still looked perennially boyish, if a little sunburned. His short locks were trapped under an anachronistic baseball cap and he was wearing a most horrid pair of cargo shorts. He looked out of place, out of time too. Modern in a way she did not understand.

Bonnie prided herself on blending with the locals. She adjusted the veil over her forehead. "You're going to draw unnecessary attention to yourself."

Malachai looked up. "Well, you're wearing lip gloss."

Bonnie blushed furiously. "I'm not! I would never."

Yes, angels and demons could dip their toes in the well of time, but the whole thing was very risk-prone. They couldn't control the essence of time: there were limits to their reach. That was why she enjoyed being a leisurely observer of history, not galloping through it foolishly, wreaking havoc. But he was a demon and this was his calling, after all.

"Then your lips must be naturally lush." He winked.

Bonnie wiped her mouth self-consciously and rolled her eyes. "You're full of it."

"Full of what?"

Bonnie blinked. "I…you know what."

"Angels can't cuss, can they?"

Bonnie really wanted to prove him wrong, but it was true. She settled for a small huff.

"So, what exactly is going on here?" he asked, nudging his chin towards the Ark and the submissive rows of humans and beasts surrounding it.

Bonnie pursed her lips. "I thought you had mastered the past and the future."

"I'm only a demon, Bonnie. You give me too much credit."

Of course he would twist her barbs into compliments. She wrinkled her nose. "What does it look like to you? It's an exodus, obviously."

"Okay... but this Ark can't possibly house that many icky mortals."

"It's just the animals and a handful of humans," she mumbled.

Malachai sniffed. "Handful? What about all the other folks hanging around?"

Bonnie surveyed the caravans of men and women and children milling about, all their earthly goods heaped haphazardly behind them.

"They, uh, they're not going to make it."

Malachai blinked and it was an odd thing to see, since he rarely did it. His serpentine eyes never failed to spook her. Though a part of her rather liked the peculiarity of his orange orbs, aesthetically speaking. She sometimes got a little tired of the white appurtenances of angels.

"Not going to make it?" he echoed. "Ha. Sounds more like a threat. Isn't that my specialty?"

Bonnie shifted awkwardly. "It's not a threat. It's divine justice. There's a flood coming, a big one. It will wipe out all of humanity. The All-Mighty wants to, um, make an example of the people on Earth. They've disobeyed him one too many times."

"Holy shit. That's feral."

Bonnie cringed. She should not listen to this talk.

"It's divine justice," she repeated. "A clean slate. "

"A clean slate...sure, like that's not insane. All these people, even the children? Come on, he won't kill the children."

Bonnie forced herself not to look at said children. "I'm afraid there can't be exceptions."

"Wow, not even that old fart Beelzebub is that vindictive. Sure, she makes me fetch her lattes from Starbucks, which, by the way, is a twentieth-century concoction of true hellish proportions, but -"

"God understands the need for sacrifice," she interceded quickly. "He will make it better for the new generation. Noah and his family will survive."

"Who's Noah?"

Bonnie pointed him out in the crowd.

Malachai shrugged. "Looks as weak-willed as the rest of them."

Bonnie bristled.

"Why do you care so much? Shouldn't you be enjoying the impending destruction?"

Malachai smiled. "Oh, I am. I just wanted to point out your side's hypocrisy."

"Thank you for your invaluable input," she muttered, wishing sarcasm felt less comfortable on her tongue.

The unicorn neighed sweetly between them. Malachai removed his hand from the horn.

"You never told me what punishment you got for "losing" the flaming sword."

Bonnie stiffened.

"The All-Mighty, in his infinite justice, saw fit to forgive me."

Malachai cocked his head. "And?"

"And what?"

"There's got to be more to it than that. He "forgives", but there's usually a catch."

Bonnie felt a strange current, like foreboding, traveling down her spine. She panicked inwardly, wondering if he could tell, if it was visible.

"I, um - nothing out of the ordinary."

He grinned. "Did he also make you get lattes?"

Bonnie chewed on her lower lip. So, he was only teasing. He had no idea.

Malachai's smile grew oddly ominous. His serpent eyes blinked. "Worse?"

Bonnie shook her head. "No, he was very fair. And - that's enough. I don't have to tell you anything anyway."

Malachai narrowed his eyes. "No, suppose you don't. But I'll find out. Heavenly gossip always finds its way downstairs."

"Can't you just let me be?" she said, and because she said it softly, without bite, it stung a lot more. The demon's features sharpened. Some of that ugly rage which had kindled his Fall rose to the surface now. He hissed at the unicorn. The frightened creature raised its horn and pushed past them, galloping quicker than the wind.

Bonnie turned to him. "What did you do that for?! We need the animals in pairs for the Ark! God's plan can't be-"

"Ruined? Sorry," he shrugged. "Forgot about God's ineffable plan. I guess this'll throw a wrench in it, huh?"

Bonnie glared at him. Technically, he was doing his job, wasn't he?

Malachai smiled easily at her, but she could still see the rage bubbling underneath and she wasn't sure what he was angry for. She didn't want to guess. Suppose hellish creatures were made to be furious because they'd lost their place in God's kingdom.

Malachai didn't seem that cut up about that, though.

No, she wouldn't guess. She wouldn't think about it.

"See you around, Angel. Don't get those robes too wet."

He slithered past her and disappeared into the desert heat.

Bonnie opened her mouth, closed it. She'd have the last word next time.

If there was a next time.

Bonnie stared at the giant Ark. The wooden belly groaned with the weight of innocent soulless animals. She felt a sense of useless loss.

But she wouldn't let a demon in her head. It was already crowded enough.


End file.
